I've been inspired.  And here I am.  It's another Dali original up there.  Wow, I wonder if I met him... in PERSON... would I fall in love with him?!?!  I might.  But doubtful.  That's a little sad isn't it.. ugh.

I came back to this place of my concrete emotions because of these funny little thoughts.  I despise them, really I do.  No, I ABHOR them.  But they're those kind of funny little things.  They EAT AT YOUR FACE when you least expect them to.  They remind me of crabs.  A little. 

Digression Thought #1: Today, the boys cooked for us!  It was really quite lovely.. thanks!  Then Michael choked.  Then continually choked for several minutes.  Then we played smash brothers.  Where Jigglypuff dominated.  THE FLOOR! ugh. 

So as I was saying, these thoughts.  They come to you at nighttime, sometimes right before you sleep so that right amidst the nearly asleep stage, you're jerked back into sheep counting land.  Though... who really counts sheep?  It's ridiculously tedious and I end up counting such intriguing little creatures (some are doctors, some are green) that it wakes me up more.  Kinda like TV. 

Digression Thought #2: I miss my friends SO MUCH.  I miss them separately but when put together, there is a tremendous amount of missing.  I miss my summer friends that I spent so much time with in summer.  But all of a sudden.. life happens or school happens or whatever it may be happens.  and things are lost and people are sad and maybe those people aren't really people but really a person and that person might be me.  Maybe?  I miss Meeshell.  I also miss all those on my Best M's and Co. List.  I believe you know who you are.  I hope you do.  I also miss Ron and Jon because they are so miraculously cool and funny and fnuny.  HA!  Did you get that?  I sure did.  but you might not have because you get things WRONG.

Anyway, as I was saying.  That famous philsopher, dy sure knew what she was talking about when she said that shit happens at night.  Because of course, it does.  Most of that shit is inside your head BRAINS and it hurts your head BRAINS to think but nevertheless, because your head BRAINS are masochistic, you think them.  And then you wonder, WHAT IF?  and those my friends, are 2 magical words that will turn any kind of sane into insane.

Digression Thought #3: I Love SATC.  It cures all things and makes all happy (no, it really does.)  I also love JOYFUL for watching it with me.  She puts the JOY in JOYFUL.  I also love my other wonderfully whipped roommates, Janet and Ross.  Oh i'm kidding.  But only a little.  =).  But I love them anyhow.  But you know what?  I Hate closed-toed shoes.  They're squished-grapes bad and I just want nothing to do with them.  But no.  Imperfect. 

And really, WHAT IF has been the knee in my balls.  Hypothetically of course because I do not have testicles.  And I really hate those words.  I wonder who the first person to ever think that phrase?  I WONDER.  He/She must have felt so alone in the world thinking such hideous thoughts.  I feel for him/her. 

Digression Thought #4:  You see?  This is why I don't update my xanga.  Because everytime I do, I end up babbling all this useless, psycho talk and it is just ungood.  I just scratched off my apple sticker covering my fob shot by accident and that just saddens me.  I have lost it!  AAHH. 

Digression Thought #5:  2 weeks into classes, and all seems to be well.  With that.  Part of my life I mean.  If you're REALLY interested, why just ask silly billy!

And thus, I am left ending this xanga entry with a silent and subtle but PERSISTENT hatred of WHAT IF.  Because honestly, what if?  What if you you know, and what if it.. you know.  AH!  It drives me crazy playing things over and over in my head.  and all over a little WHAT IF.  Well, What If?

"What a wonderful world this would be." 

,

D.

             The Persistence of Memory

wow, isn't Salvador Dali amazing?  And this painting is just so telling.  I don't think I could relate anymore than I do right now.  Memory is a damn persistent son of a gun and it's just one of things that you have absolutely no control over.  Once you're under it's control.. damn you're f#$%ed.  Which reminds me, I believe I owe some apoligies... so here goes.

I'm sorry.

I really don't know what else to say.  Pretty much everything's been said. 

Shit aside, summer's ending!  My summer has both been bland, useless and without life... as well as exciting, life-altering, informative and full of personality.  Summer school is over... I gotta say, I actually miss that class because of the people in it.  =(  Affirming once again that meeting people is just one of those uniquely awesome things.  You have so much freedom to be yourself... or not, if you choose. 

Wow, I'm almost sick of writing.  I'm just going to give a quick recap/summary of summer... I'll try to be better next time:

no job, next semester/ ashlee simpson rocks me to PIECES (i know i know, i've been hypnotized)/ yay to awesome july birthdays and for people making them so special/ family is probably the one most important thing in my life/ family members are probably the only people who can really create anger/ money isn't everything-- but everyone seems to think so/ china trip was spasmatatic.. created so much insight/ i miss all my friends so much/ shit happens when the sun goes down.. it'll play tricks on your mind/ never make a promise you don't intend to keep/ some promises are damn hard to keep/ i love rooney! john is awesome/ one boy is trouble.  multiple boys are hell-inducing-- cheating should be illegal (it's too easy to succumb to it if not)/ love stinks/ cheaters never prosper/ boy meets world makes late nights bearable/ television is a hateful medium/ telephones are AMAZING... but they're so limiting!/ i get annoyed/ wouldn't it be nice if we were older, then we wouldn't have to wait so long?

let me ask you a question.  If and when you ever did decide to urinate in public and deface public property, would you feel a). sufficiently depressed because you pissed on beauty b). utterly enthusiastic because your contribution has been made to society and nature c). very excited because the thought of urinating makes you excited in general d). sick to your stomach listening to your piss his the ground and would all of a sudden have to do more than just piss. EDIT (thanks to George) e). no emotion. none at all. whatsoever.

Nature vs. Nurture.  I've been thinking about things a lot.  I know have something to blame.  I can use it as an excuse to all my uglies. 

"And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past..."

f. scott fitzgerald

I joined thefacebook.  Only because of the mini article I read in Newsweek. 

This summer has been full of messed up dreams.  I apoligize, but I think I've had a dream about everyone of you.  They were strange and I'm very thankful that noone can watch my brain on video.  or dvd.  Once again, I apoligize for having such disturbing unconcious thoughts. 

,

D.

Goodness!  I'm looking forward soo much to summer.. and the beach.. and flipflops on the beach and watermelons and good times.  Actually I've had kinda mixed feelings about summer.  I just don't want it to be like it is every year.  Don't you ever feel like you're stuck in the same damn routine year after year?  Sure it's relaxing but... whatever happened to excitement DAMNIT.  It's ok.  Hopefully I'll be taking like 3 classes at ANY community college that will take me.  A job maybe? 

I've decided that I really like meeting people.  I still like old friends more but.. it's just so satisfying.  Like when you've known someone for a while and you guys are friends and then you get to that point where you're like HEY give me your number!  OK!  YEAHH!  OK!!  YEAAHHH  WEL OKKK!  HAHAHAHA ok sorry.  Got a little carried away there.. HAHAHA ... YEAAAHH  WWHHATTT?!?! OKK!  i'm not crazy.

Wow so you know what else is insane?  Today is Wednesday.  Then Thursday.  Then Friday.  And then that's it.  End of freshman year!  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Michael and I were saying how we felt like it wasn't even near the end at ALL.. RIGHT MICHAEL??  YAH i feel ya.  Because it really doesn't.. and it probably won't feel like it until I'm home for more than a weekend.  Then it's off to China.  That should be ok?  I hope.  I'm not aloud to talk though. 

Lately I've been kinda lazy with my calendars.  I used to change them first thing in the morning because I was so excited to see what the day would be like.  but now sometimes I don't remember it until half of the day is over.  I wonder what this means?

My lungs are about to come out.  I'VE BEEN INFECTED.  And I don't like it.. I cough myself to sleep everynight!!!  And then I cough in the middle of the night and wake myself up from sleep.. WTH. I feel like one of those dogs.  That farts and wakes itself up.  Except it's a bit different. 

You know what I'm looking forward to the most about summer?  Music.  I've been so good with limiting myself because I don't allow myself to listen to anything distracting while I'm doing work and I don't really have any other time to listen.  But you take that kinda stuff for granted ya do.. so I can't wait to just SIT there and listen to whatever the hell I want.  It's gonna be some good times.. just like old times... just me and my first love... mmuuuussssiicc.. =)

And my books.. I have such a huge pile of them at home.  just waiting for me.  Oh well, that's what airplanes are for!  Wait! But no, airplanes are for movies.  I'm such a sucker for airplane movies.. I feel like I HAVE to watch them because it'd be  waste if I slept through a perfectly good movie.  So even if I'm really really tired I'll stay up to watch the damn movie.  Is that weird?  And then in between I wouldn't want to waste my free time so I'll read or do something else productive.  I guess i'm not a big fan of wasting time.  which is somewhat ironic. Know why?

Anyway, that's it for my break.  I've gotta get back to hell because they're missing me.  These few weeks ahead of me are gonna be a little scary.. but it's ok.  Almost there.

,

D.

the time when i have the LEAST amount of time to waste (now) is when I will update this friggin obselete piece of thing.  california weather is a beauty i tell ya, especially when it hits you with no warning with so good ole cancer-inducing uv's.  well that happens without the sun too but i gotta say... this weather is so perfect that it pisses me off.  it's not like i can go out and enjoy it.  what torture.

last night was good.  i love my girls.  we had such a great talk and it made me feel better about the *entire situation* as a whole.  life has funny ways of bringing important people into your life when you need it most.  thank you life.  =)

p.s. when joy and I and everyone talk about dying.. we don't mean it.  =( sorry life.  it's just sometimes we don't like you a whole lot.  i'm sure i can apoligize on both of our behalves.

hell is this week.  like yes.  very much so.  on a brighter note.. i think i'm obsessed with the library,.  i live there now and i actually LIKE it!  you always meet people.. HAHAHAHA. jk.  well no.  but tht's not why I like it.  ugh i just hate this week.  if this week were a person i would spit on him/her.

i'm bleeding everywhere.  not everywhere.  my ears.  my feet.  my brain probably.

next week hurry up and come!  i need time.  to be.  better.  p.s.  i apoligize to those i have been neglecting these past few days... i miss you all =(  i wish i had more tmie to talk.  sorry punyaos. 

did you ever think that maybe you have this power over your life and you went back in time to change something and the life that you're living now is the outcome of that change?  like something small.  like.  like ugh i can't get my thoughts out anymore.  well maybe you understand.

ps again.  i was supposed to go to the laker game on sunday and i worked REALLY REALLY hard telling my mom i couldn't go because i had to study.  well.  silly asian mom logic told her to invite my aunt and uncle ... and then have ME babysit my COUSINS at SCHOOL.  well well well. mother.. if i had the time to BABYSIT then i would have GONE TO THE GAME!  mothers are silly.  i wish i went. =(  i can't go to the next one too because it's the soco concert!!!  yes, again.  I think i could jsut keep seeing them.  forever. 

the promise-when in rome
belinda carlisle- heaven is a place on earth
chicago- will you still love me
england dan and john ford coley- really love to see you tonight

nice people make my day.

D.

MAN i love that movie so much right now.  Good ish, creates a very optimistic mood.

You know what I love?  I love people that bring the best out in you.  I mean sometimes it's out of nowhere.  Like you'll be talking to someone and you'll just REALIZE that you really like who you are when you're talking to someone.  Geez, what an amazing feeling!  On that note, yay to PAL for being my muse!

So I guess I read through my journal entries sometimes and always, i mean ALWAYS, i mean it NEVER FAILS... i make myself gag with SOME deep rooted emotion or another.  A certain very very angry post was spent comparing life to pies.  I mean COMEON what kinda analogy is that?!  I don't even think ERIC would make that one.. and he's the analogy king.  (HAHAHA)

So if YOU had an entire 9 hours to sit in a room and do ANYTHING you wanted (granted it was in the room), what would you do?  You can have most any resource you want, anything that can fit in that room and is sensible.  I spent some time pondering that completely useless pondering... and i've concluded that it's too effing hard to think about.  So then I ate some ice cream and shattered my spoon.  I've been doing that too much lately. 

life's most enjoyable pleasure (redundant, i know) come from the simplest/smallest things!  Underwear, towels, cows, different colors.

uh oh. i've reached my point.  gotta get away!

,

D.